And every breath that is in your lungs,

December 26th 2009

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 05:10:07 GMT

Three minutes ago, marked the beginning of a new day. The 26th of December, if you didn't notice. I'm nervous. So nervous. I've had endless heebie jeebies since yesterday.

Byron is flying over today. After this weekend and a Monday, we'll be on our way home. I'm so scared. I feel like my body and mind is starting to really soak everything in.

So much left to do. Time for a new start.

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 21:29:03 GMT

ugh. what a crappy day. still undecided with Bandit. i can't afford a crate and stuff like that for him. and now, my mom isnt sure if she'll be able to pay for my tires, even though that was our deal if i drove with her to st augustine. she knows i need that to be done this week, if anything monday at the latest. all we have is a few days left, unless she plans to do that the day we leave, which would delay us even more. and now, i have no idea how ill be able to afford gas alone for the drive. fucking ridic.

not happy at all.

lolololol

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 00:36:47 GMT

Old things in my dox. Good times...

I swears it.

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 19:24:46 GMT

There's nothing I hate more, than upsetting someone I love. I can't help but be upset to begin with. Hopefully I can just relax and get my mind off of it while I'm out with mom and my broski. Argh. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? I mean, if roles were reversed, how would he feel? I don't see anything wrong here. its his best friend, and putting myself in his shoes, I can see why he would want to include them in stuff. But really? I fucking hate feeling like there will always be a third person. If we want to take a trip somewhere or go to dinner or decorate our place or get tickets to an event, do all those things really need to run past her? Is she that big of a deal? I bet he hasn't had real talk over the whole 'helping pay your rent' thing or when this subject last came up, having a joint account. There's nothing wrong with putting your foot down or erasing the old to start anew.

I'm done. I'm just going to go spend time with mom and my brother and get this out of my system before I get anymore upset.

i could really go for a strawberry margarita right now...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:49:19 GMT

What is your favorite feature on the last person you kissed?
Oh God. You really want me to pick a favorite? His soft sweet lips. His gorgeous eyes. His arms that wrap around me. His smile that soothes me and reassures me everything in the world is just fine. His laugh! Dat ass ;B <3

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the guy?
As long as I get me some besos, either works :3!

What phrase or saying do you use the most?
"OH KAY KAY KAY" or "Yo, Fuck you!" or "WHO POOPED?!" but mostly, "BAANDITTT >:O"

Tattoos are hot, right?
Depends, really. I love tattoos and I love -some- tattoos on -some- people. It's not a decoration to make someone more attractive or not. It's a part of yourself. It's a reminder.

Who was the last person you went out to eat with?
Dawwris.

Do people ever call you by your last name?
Only Mike, hahah. ALVAREZ!

Name something you dislike about the day you're having?
My head is hurting a bit and tom needs to go away already D:

Fess up, who was the last person you thought about kissing?
Oh, you mean like five seconds ago? Byron Byron Byron <3

Do you read magazines, or just look at the pictures?
Nigga I read dat ish!... "Negro, I read that shit."

Do you understand football?
Most of it. I -used- to watch it with my dad a lot, but those days are long gone.

Ever actually tYp3d lYk3 th!$?
Yo, for real? I am a refined, young, educated, hip, Latina. Not some crusty ass spic.

Do you like to wear dresses?
Always. I wish I had more ;-; I wish I could afford it D:

Are there any words on your shirt?
I'm not wearing a shirt.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Byron :3!

What was the last thing you swallowed?
Does saliva count? I mean, its in my mouth?

Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
LOL. Well, we're not that close. Only best friend who literally knows me inside and out is Byron ;3

The last person you kissed hates you. Why?
;-; he does? i don't know D:

Why did you last cry?
Personal stuff.

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
It's nice to let things go, and start over again...

What would you do if your significant other cheated on you?
I would leave him. I won't tolerate that shit again.

Where EXACTLY were you when you entered 2009 and with who?
I had a party at my house. I was there with some friends. Not a good night as I recall.

Are you nice to the people you dislike?
Nope :D

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?
-Sigh- best feeling ever <3<3<3

What friend(s) do you tell the most to?
Byron, Doris, Jamie, Sabrina and Felix.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Byron.

Can you commit to one person?
Of course! I absolutely love it <3

With your current razor, do you get a good, clean shave?
Yessir.

Do you like gore films?
YEAH! >:D

Do you prefer milkshakes or smoothies?
Both, omg. I was totally craving a milkshake last night D: what the haaaale! But I love making smoothies for breakfast!

Has anyone ever been freakishly obsessed with you?
Oh god yes.

Would you go into shark infested water in a protective cage?
Bitch you must be trippin.

Abortion: For or against it?
For.

Do you believe in the death penalty?
Honestly, it's too easy and lazy. Make people suffer instead. I believe in torture. I'm a creep, I know :/

Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
If it was legal, maybe people would stop making such a big deal over it. It's so easy to get, it might as well already be. It's disgusting either way.

Do you think same sex marriages should be legalized?
Yes Yes Yes! :3 <3

A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
If the baby daddy is a rich old guy, maybe she can afford it. But lets be real here, my answer is no.

Would you burn an American flag for a thousand dollars?
...depends...what country am I in as i burn it? ;3

Are you anyone's first love?
No way.

Do you hate anyone?
Loathe. Brutally dislike. Have an extreme distaste for.

Are you currently sad about anything?
Yaknow, naturally you'd think I'd be sad about the distance between Byron and I. But, I'm not. I mean, it sucks he isn't here with me, but he will be in 16 1/2 days and I will be leaving with him <3 We're so close, it feels like he's always been here <3<3<3

Are you cocky?
No. Unless I have every right to be.

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 16:30:51 GMT

leaving the past, leaving the past, leaving the past...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:36:11 GMT

;________________;

bleh
it's so easy to feel so crummy.

close your eyes and see the skies are falling.

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:22:46 GMT

"I need your arms around me,
I need to feel your touch.
I need your understanding,
I need your love so much."

^---Just found it appropriate for how I feel right now.
I know I'm supposed to be packing, but I kinda want an outlet right now. I'm supposed to see my mom later today, and she's taking me to pick up some stuff from the pharmacy that i need. I also want to talk to her about some stuff.
I got an email today from a teacher, and she mentioned talking to the registrar on campus, since apparently they refund your money for tuition, if you're having a rough semester. I think I'll investigate that a bit. I don't want this semester to go to waste, just cos I'm having a hard time right now.
Before sitting here on my bed and typing this, I was looking around my room here, and seeing the things I still have left to pack. I just got a rush of goosebumps.
Even though I'm aware I'll be moving this month, it's starting to hit me really hard. I'll be leaving the state I've lived in for 15 years. Fifteen years! Everything I know, mostly everyone I know, the tiny bit of family I have, the friends I've been with for all these years...they're all here. I don't think I'm scared of leaving them here. Maybe I'm scared because I don't have family in Jersey. I don't really know anyone there anymore, since they all moved here. All I have is Byron. What if three months into it, he doesn't love me. What am I supposed to do then? I can't help but feel so helpless. I've never had to depend on someone like this before. He's pretty much taking care of me till I can get up on my feet, and then I can do my part to take care of him, and of us. I feel so bad...so so so so bad. I know he -wants- to take care of me, and he's really very sweet in doing so, but I feel like I'm just going to be a burden, or a pain in the butt for him. "Ugh, she needs such and such" or "Argh, I have to go do this for her." I know he doesn't think that way, but I don't want it to ever get that way.
Maybe I just worry too much.
*FECK! My phone just restarted itself. Nothing I hate more than that, besides Bandit's case of the stupid*

Breaaaaaaaathe woman...

I feel like I'm literally going to be his baby. A giant dependent baby. And honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with depending on someone, I don't! I think it's incredible when two people can happily depend on each other. It shows that devotion...like, an undying love for someone and the promise to always be there for them. I want that. I know I can have it with him. But I'm still scared. It's not like I can ease into it. Easing in would require different circumstances in our relationship.

This is just a really big step. The biggest step I have ever taken in my life. Naturlich, es ist okay, diese Angst zu fuhlen.

It's hard to sit here and believe someone can love me this much. It's a beautiful thing, and I'm so lucky to have his love. I know we'll be happy. I love him. I don't know how I can ever put it into words, exactly how I feel. The love I have for him is so strong, and so deep. It takes over my body and thinking of him creates this blanket of energy and love around my body and it wraps me up tight and makes me feel so...warm. It cradles me and all I can do is just close my eyes and smile as my eyes water. It's overwhelming, in the best of ways.

I want everything to be okay. I want some kind of gaurantee, or some kind of promise everything will work out. Am I asking for too much? :/

I'll just finish packing and moving boxes around.

Mini Oreo Go Packs

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 18:49:59 GMT

See, they make me feel better about eating Oreos.
I can eat an entire go pack, and it has less than half of the calories -my- normal regular sized Oreo intake would be.

Eat as many as you like Michi, eat as many as you like.

It's December first. Crunch time. Lots to sort out, lots to finish, lots still left to pack I suppose. I'll go ahead and pack in a few minutes. I think I'll paint a bit tmrw. We'll see.

P.S. Thank You for being so wonderful Byron. I mean it <3

Christmas Wishlist: Ridonkulous edition!

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 01:18:01 GMT

These are all ridonkulous. Hence the title for this entry. I mean, I guess these are all things I really like for one reason or another, and would like, but not even my own parents would satisfy me with gifts like these 83

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 01:01:02 GMT

"Promise her the love of a lifetime, a love that endures life's trials and struggles, a love that inspires."
-Unknown

I've never read anything so true.

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 21:02:42 GMT

"And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."

-Kahlil Gibran 'The Prophet'

Today.

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:13:01 GMT

Is going to be different.
Today I woke up with a giant smile on my face and my heart beating fast enough to fling right out of my chest. I can feel it in my bones today. When I think about it sometimes, I realize:

Im poor as dirt...maybe poorer!
Im behind in school work.
I don't have Tina back yet due to my dad's laziness.
My brother is still in some deep shit...a heaping pile of it too.
I have one month to get my stuff together before moving.

But you know what? I'm happy. I can say 90% of that happiness is because of my boyfriend. My gorgeous, caring and purely incredible boyfriend. I would be lost without his love and support. He's made the past few months tolerable, and has made me so, so, so, so happy! I miss him dearly, but I know I'll be in his arms once again, in a matter of weeks :3 <3

I want to leave all of that stuff i mentioned behind today, and just focus on what needs to get done :3

If things don't always go well, it's okay. I'll just happily move on, and try harder next time. I tried this time, I really did give it my best, but too many things on my mind make things feel so cluttered.

I can breathe again today.
I'm ready for an amazing day.

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:27:16 GMT

i love you too <3
so so so so much <3<3<3<3

stuck in reverse

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:29:07 GMT

Its been a rough two, soon to be three days. Hard to sleep. Barely ate. Rushed. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I miss Byron. a lot. I just want all of this to finish. God, please let all of this turn out well. Please. Ive been on this journey for so long, and I just want to settle down and be happy...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:26:56 GMT

i miss him so much
;_______________________;

i really want to talk to him :C

ugh.

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:34:16 GMT

I feel absolutely terrible right now. Ive had a huge headache, since yesterday, and I should have gotten more sleep. I just missed Byron so much ;~; I had to call him at like 5 am, almost 6, to hear his voice and tell him that I love him. I really really do. This tom is really sucking. I feel like total crapola, and I just want to sleep. This blows. My dad called and woke me up, saying he was picking me up in 5. this was at around 7:30 am. Gah. I'm going to nap.

typing at 4am

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 08:35:43 GMT

well, close to 4am anyways.
I was going to write earlier but i forget why i didn't.
my baby is asleep right now. he looks so cute when hes sleeping.
goodness im so lucky :3

im happy to say we have our apartment 8D!
and we've been looking at furniture and other things to furnish the house with.
im ridiculously excited and so anxious to start a new year in a new place with a new life, by his side<3
what an incredible thought and feeling.

im not sleepy yet since punky brought me my usual and favorite coffee today.
it was, an awesome day.
chris and i watched the pest, played some games, cooked, packed, organized, played with bandit, spent some time with my hubby 83 and now i am here.

i guess i didnt have thaaaaat much to say.
im just so happy right now :3
i dont want this to ever end <3

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:13:18 GMT

;-; meh

today im going to type in my new language.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 00:13:33 GMT

grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble.

one of the best things ive seen today...

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 04:17:43 GMT

sometimes i get a little crazy just like you, i do

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:44:42 GMT

I can't believe after this weekend, it'll be the seven week mark for my leave to NJ. I get so nervous every time i think about it. i think the more it stays in my mind, the more i come to realize what im really going to miss and what im not going to miss at all. sad to say, im not really going to miss my friends so much. not like i see them anyways. i'll miss my dad, my brother, and chris. i'll miss the florida summers, the beach, my favorite comic book shops, lazy moon, the record store. the familiar streets, knowning when 50 has traffic up the arse, laughing when the sign says the 50 and Semoran construction is to be finished in the summer of 2010....bullshit. i won't miss the humidity, unbearable heat waves, hurricane season, love bug season, the rainy chirstmas and fourth of july every year without fail. the way my hair gets when its about to rain. the traffic. the ridiculous toursits and their sun screened noses, floral print shirts, bermudas and flip flops...with the occasional fishermans hat. the extremely shitty school system.
lately its been on my mind that i've only been with byron for four months, and since the first month, we were already planning all of this. im so scared. terrified. i know i'll be happy, but...sometimes, i feel like i doubt myself, my abilities, and my decisions. he's wonderful. he knows that. and hopefully he knows i love him very much. i know he was afraid i'd be really depressed and homesick the first few months, and to an extent i guess i will be. i know we can do this though. i know i can do this. and on the DL, im taking spring off to get myself together. get back into my normal self and focus on working so i can help byron with things and we can be more comfortable. i also want to work on my credit with him, for the future. i mean, i know im jumping the gun here, but if it got to a point where we decided to buy a house and so on, then we'd be okay. or if we wanted to move into another complex after our lease ends, we wouldn't have any issues with the application for the place. also, if anything happens to one of our cars or lord knows what else might come our way, we'd be ready. i know i always blab about how i can see my future with him, but its true, and i just want him to be sure of this. i dont want to be convinient for him, i dont want to be a temporary thing. im so ready to settle down a bit. i know, i know, "wow thats not like you at all..." yeah...again, i know. but i think its about damn time i have a chance at being happy. i mean, i am happy right now, and thats fine, but if i ever got to further the relationship, i'd be even happier. i see all of the people around me, friends, family, family-friends...all of them are getting married and poppin' babies and starting new things. it makes me a little jealous. at the same time, i know i dont want kids for at least another 5 or 6 years if anything. thats not in the near future i'll tell you that much x3
i was having a really good day until i got home. the vibe here sometimes and knowing i dont have my car yet, makes me feel like im trapped. and it sucks so much. also, byron was going out with kristin today, and it also makes me a bit jealous, cos i dont get to do any of those things with him ;-; i know i'll eventually get to, but i hate not being able to do things with him. i hate waiting, even if its a shorter amount of time now. i think thats why i was so quiet and bummed out. i always miss him, however, it feels like sometimes i fall into a really deep 'i miss you' spell, and i long for him even more.
why do my blogs always end up about him? hahaha. silly me.
im drinking some coffee now. a soy iced white chocolate mocha. punky came home a bit ago and got me one which was nice cos i really wanted coffee earlier today, but didn't get one cos i know i dont have the money for it. with my mom out of the picture, i need to figure out how to get some winter clothes. my dad would be willing to help, but i don't want him to help me more than he already is. i'll figure something out. its getting kind of chilly here already. since the night comes faster now, it gets much much cooler. its a good thing, but i have very few sweaters and things of the like. bleh. oh! i got this really cool hitler-esque moustache at the 50cent machine i saw today at the dollar store :O i stopped by cos apparently chris said they had the puppy potty training things there, so i didnt have to spend more than necessary on them, considering they were the same brand. it was really interesting to say the very least...the moustache selection i mean XD they had a cowboy looking one in a nice beige color, but you know how those machines are...they give you what they wanna give you ;-;
i got to talk to chris a good amount today. he's usually annoying as fuuuuck but he talked to me about his girlfriend and asked me what he should get her and i said underwear. he thought it was weird.

HE'S WEIRD D:<

ill write more later. Byron is calling .-.

::later::

Im on cam with him now. We're just talking about our little Butt Bandit who keeps biting holes into my underoo's D:C <---looks like a viking to me .-.
Anyways, i lost my train of thought thought I know it was a good one and it was going places. I started a sketch last night and i thought it was nice, until i started looking at it today and now i realize i hate it. not saying what it was though. my back hurts a bit but thats probably from sitting with my back slightly arched and going forward so i can type this and talk to byron on cam. i don't even think i have much more to write. its just stuff that was on my mind but im glad i just got a chance to write as much as possible this time around, instead of the usual update or whine or rant or who knows what. With that said, I'll just lay down and call it a night with the world wide interbuttz. i feel like i still have more in my head but im not too sure how to put it in words. in time i will though.

'night.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:39:21 GMT

god hes so fucking hot....

thoughts...

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 20:26:22 GMT

I'm at a standstill in my life. Time and everything around me is passing me right before my eyes. It's almost as if I was put on hold for a while until I can figure out what I want. What I -really- want. I think I'll just do what I can from now until I move. school and I aren't really getting along this semester. I know I'd like to finish school, but at the same time, I feel as if there's so much change going on and change coming my way, that its hard to focus just on school. I think I'd like to take spring off, and adjust to my new life. Know the place better, work and spend time with Byron, try to learn more about him. (I really do believe he is the one. Chances are slim he feels the same way, but what we have is much too incredible to not be what ive always been looking for. I can see us married. I can see us starting a family. And instead of being afraid of that, I'm overwhelmed with happiness and a faster heart beat.) I want the old me back. I want adventure, I want to dance again, I want to take one semester for myself, to reconnect and clear my mind. With doing that, I know I'd be ready to start class in the fall with my mind straight. I don't want it to come off as me not caring about school, because I really do. But ive never taken a break and this time I feel its needed. Ill give it more thought to be on the safe side, and ill bring it up with Byron tonight. I want to be as happy as possible, and I know this upcoming new year is the start of it. I feel much better that I was able to write all of this out. Shower time...

LJ app?

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:23:09 GMT

Class isn't for another 19 minutes. I miss my sidekick, because it was so easy to type my entries. Now with this new phone, it sucks eggs. Anyways. I'm sitting in the library and I'm so so sleepy. I miss Tina. A lot. I went to bed a bit earlier but only cos I was ktfo'd. Chris is an obnoxious virgin. Geez I don't know how much longer I can stand him -.- Argh...my ojos are closing and I really want to crawl into bed with my boyfriend and sleeeeeep ~! I hope this class starts soon, so it can end soon. I'm sure Greek and Roman wont be any better. Especially since he assigned a dumb essay topic. The search for living quarters in NJ is still active. I just hope he's as excited as I am. This is a really serious commitment...to move and live with someone i've been dating for four months as of today. I hope this is as serious to him as it is to me. Ive never been with, let alone met someone like this...