urbanz0mbie

"I need your arms around me,
I need to feel your touch.
I need your understanding,
I need your love so much."

^---Just found it appropriate for how I feel right now.
I know I'm supposed to be packing, but I kinda want an outlet right now. I'm supposed to see my mom later today, and she's taking me to pick up some stuff from the pharmacy that i need. I also want to talk to her about some stuff.
I got an email today from a teacher, and she mentioned talking to the registrar on campus, since apparently they refund your money for tuition, if you're having a rough semester. I think I'll investigate that a bit. I don't want this semester to go to waste, just cos I'm having a hard time right now.
Before sitting here on my bed and typing this, I was looking around my room here, and seeing the things I still have left to pack. I just got a rush of goosebumps.
Even though I'm aware I'll be moving this month, it's starting to hit me really hard. I'll be leaving the state I've lived in for 15 years. Fifteen years! Everything I know, mostly everyone I know, the tiny bit of family I have, the friends I've been with for all these years...they're all here. I don't think I'm scared of leaving them here. Maybe I'm scared because I don't have family in Jersey. I don't really know anyone there anymore, since they all moved here. All I have is Byron. What if three months into it, he doesn't love me. What am I supposed to do then? I can't help but feel so helpless. I've never had to depend on someone like this before. He's pretty much taking care of me till I can get up on my feet, and then I can do my part to take care of him, and of us. I feel so bad...so so so so bad. I know he -wants- to take care of me, and he's really very sweet in doing so, but I feel like I'm just going to be a burden, or a pain in the butt for him. "Ugh, she needs such and such" or "Argh, I have to go do this for her." I know he doesn't think that way, but I don't want it to ever get that way.
Maybe I just worry too much.
*FECK! My phone just restarted itself. Nothing I hate more than that, besides Bandit's case of the stupid*

Breaaaaaaaathe woman...

I feel like I'm literally going to be his baby. A giant dependent baby. And honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with depending on someone, I don't! I think it's incredible when two people can happily depend on each other. It shows that devotion...like, an undying love for someone and the promise to always be there for them. I want that. I know I can have it with him. But I'm still scared. It's not like I can ease into it. Easing in would require different circumstances in our relationship.

This is just a really big step. The biggest step I have ever taken in my life. Naturlich, es ist okay, diese Angst zu fuhlen.

It's hard to sit here and believe someone can love me this much. It's a beautiful thing, and I'm so lucky to have his love. I know we'll be happy. I love him. I don't know how I can ever put it into words, exactly how I feel. The love I have for him is so strong, and so deep. It takes over my body and thinking of him creates this blanket of energy and love around my body and it wraps me up tight and makes me feel so...warm. It cradles me and all I can do is just close my eyes and smile as my eyes water. It's overwhelming, in the best of ways.

I want everything to be okay. I want some kind of gaurantee, or some kind of promise everything will work out. Am I asking for too much? :/


I'll just finish packing and moving boxes around.

See, they make me feel better about eating Oreos.
I can eat an entire go pack, and it has less than half of the calories -my- normal regular sized Oreo intake would be.

Eat as many as you like Michi, eat as many as you like.

It's December first. Crunch time. Lots to sort out, lots to finish, lots still left to pack I suppose. I'll go ahead and pack in a few minutes. I think I'll paint a bit tmrw. We'll see.

P.S. Thank You for being so wonderful Byron. I mean it <3

These are all ridonkulous. Hence the title for this entry. I mean, I guess these are all things I really like for one reason or another, and would like, but not even my own parents would satisfy me with gifts like these 83

"Promise her the love of a lifetime, a love that endures life's trials and struggles, a love that inspires."
-Unknown

"And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."

-Kahlil Gibran 'The Prophet'

Is going to be different.
Today I woke up with a giant smile on my face and my heart beating fast enough to fling right out of my chest. I can feel it in my bones today. When I think about it sometimes, I realize:

Im poor as dirt...maybe poorer!
Im behind in school work.
I don't have Tina back yet due to my dad's laziness.
My brother is still in some deep shit...a heaping pile of it too.
I have one month to get my stuff together before moving.

But you know what? I'm happy. I can say 90% of that happiness is because of my boyfriend. My gorgeous, caring and purely incredible boyfriend. I would be lost without his love and support. He's made the past few months tolerable, and has made me so, so, so, so happy! I miss him dearly, but I know I'll be in his arms once again, in a matter of weeks :3 <3

I want to leave all of that stuff i mentioned behind today, and just focus on what needs to get done :3

If things don't always go well, it's okay. I'll just happily move on, and try harder next time. I tried this time, I really did give it my best, but too many things on my mind make things feel so cluttered.

I can breathe again today.
I'm ready for an amazing day.

i love you too <3
so so so so much <3<3<3<3

Its been a rough two, soon to be three days. Hard to sleep. Barely ate. Rushed. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I miss Byron. a lot. I just want all of this to finish. God, please let all of this turn out well. Please. Ive been on this journey for so long, and I just want to settle down and be happy...

i miss him so much
;_______________________;

i really want to talk to him :C

I feel absolutely terrible right now. Ive had a huge headache, since yesterday, and I should have gotten more sleep. I just missed Byron so much ;~; I had to call him at like 5 am, almost 6, to hear his voice and tell him that I love him. I really really do. This tom is really sucking. I feel like total crapola, and I just want to sleep. This blows. My dad called and woke me up, saying he was picking me up in 5. this was at around 7:30 am. Gah. I'm going to nap.

well, close to 4am anyways.
I was going to write earlier but i forget why i didn't.
my baby is asleep right now. he looks so cute when hes sleeping.
goodness im so lucky :3

im happy to say we have our apartment 8D!
and we've been looking at furniture and other things to furnish the house with.
im ridiculously excited and so anxious to start a new year in a new place with a new life, by his side<3
what an incredible thought and feeling.

im not sleepy yet since punky brought me my usual and favorite coffee today.
it was, an awesome day.
chris and i watched the pest, played some games, cooked, packed, organized, played with bandit, spent some time with my hubby 83 and now i am here.

i guess i didnt have thaaaaat much to say.
im just so happy right now :3
i dont want this to ever end <3

;-; meh

grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble.

I can't believe after this weekend, it'll be the seven week mark for my leave to NJ. I get so nervous every time i think about it. i think the more it stays in my mind, the more i come to realize what im really going to miss and what im not going to miss at all. sad to say, im not really going to miss my friends so much. not like i see them anyways. i'll miss my dad, my brother, and chris. i'll miss the florida summers, the beach, my favorite comic book shops, lazy moon, the record store. the familiar streets, knowning when 50 has traffic up the arse, laughing when the sign says the 50 and Semoran construction is to be finished in the summer of 2010....bullshit. i won't miss the humidity, unbearable heat waves, hurricane season, love bug season, the rainy chirstmas and fourth of july every year without fail. the way my hair gets when its about to rain. the traffic. the ridiculous toursits and their sun screened noses, floral print shirts, bermudas and flip flops...with the occasional fishermans hat. the extremely shitty school system.
lately its been on my mind that i've only been with byron for four months, and since the first month, we were already planning all of this. im so scared. terrified. i know i'll be happy, but...sometimes, i feel like i doubt myself, my abilities, and my decisions. he's wonderful. he knows that. and hopefully he knows i love him very much. i know he was afraid i'd be really depressed and homesick the first few months, and to an extent i guess i will be. i know we can do this though. i know i can do this. and on the DL, im taking spring off to get myself together. get back into my normal self and focus on working so i can help byron with things and we can be more comfortable. i also want to work on my credit with him, for the future. i mean, i know im jumping the gun here, but if it got to a point where we decided to buy a house and so on, then we'd be okay. or if we wanted to move into another complex after our lease ends, we wouldn't have any issues with the application for the place. also, if anything happens to one of our cars or lord knows what else might come our way, we'd be ready. i know i always blab about how i can see my future with him, but its true, and i just want him to be sure of this. i dont want to be convinient for him, i dont want to be a temporary thing. im so ready to settle down a bit. i know, i know, "wow thats not like you at all..." yeah...again, i know. but i think its about damn time i have a chance at being happy. i mean, i am happy right now, and thats fine, but if i ever got to further the relationship, i'd be even happier. i see all of the people around me, friends, family, family-friends...all of them are getting married and poppin' babies and starting new things. it makes me a little jealous. at the same time, i know i dont want kids for at least another 5 or 6 years if anything. thats not in the near future i'll tell you that much x3
i was having a really good day until i got home. the vibe here sometimes and knowing i dont have my car yet, makes me feel like im trapped. and it sucks so much. also, byron was going out with kristin today, and it also makes me a bit jealous, cos i dont get to do any of those things with him ;-; i know i'll eventually get to, but i hate not being able to do things with him. i hate waiting, even if its a shorter amount of time now.  i think thats why i was so quiet and bummed out. i always miss him, however, it feels like sometimes i fall into a really deep 'i miss you' spell, and i long for him even more.
why do my blogs always end up about him? hahaha. silly me.
im drinking some coffee now. a soy iced white chocolate mocha. punky came home a bit ago and got me one which was nice cos i really wanted coffee earlier today, but didn't get one cos i know  i dont have the money for it. with my mom out of the picture, i need to figure out how to get some winter clothes. my dad would be willing to help, but i don't want him to help me more than he already is. i'll figure something out. its getting kind of chilly here already. since the night comes faster now, it gets much much cooler. its a good thing, but i have very few sweaters and things of the like. bleh. oh! i got this really cool hitler-esque moustache at the 50cent machine i saw today at the dollar store :O i stopped by cos apparently chris said they had the puppy potty training things there, so i didnt have to spend more than necessary on them, considering they were the same brand. it was really interesting to say the very least...the moustache selection i mean XD they had a cowboy looking one in a nice beige color, but you know how those machines are...they give you what they wanna give you ;-;
i got to talk to chris a good amount today. he's usually annoying as fuuuuck but he talked to me about his girlfriend and asked me what he should get her and i said underwear. he thought it was weird.


HE'S WEIRD D:<


ill write more later. Byron is calling .-.

::later::

Im on cam with him now. We're just talking about our little Butt Bandit who keeps biting holes into my underoo's D:C  <---looks like a viking to me .-.
Anyways, i lost my train of thought thought I know it was a good one and it was going places. I started a sketch last night and i thought it was nice, until i started looking at it today and now i realize i hate it. not saying what it was though. my back hurts a bit but thats probably from sitting with my back slightly arched and going forward so i can type this and talk to byron on cam. i don't even think i have much more to write. its just stuff that was on my mind but im glad i just got a chance to write as much as possible this time around, instead of the usual update or whine or rant or who knows what. With that said, I'll just lay down and call it a night with the world wide interbuttz. i feel like i still have more in my head but im not too sure how to put it in words. in time i will though.

'night.

god hes so fucking hot....

I'm at a standstill in my life. Time and everything around me is passing me right before my eyes. It's almost as if I was put on hold for a while until I can figure out what I want. What I -really- want. I think I'll just do what I can from now until I move. school and I aren't really getting along this semester. I know I'd like to finish school, but at the same time, I feel as if there's so much change going on and change coming my way, that its hard to focus just on school. I think I'd like to take spring off, and adjust to my new life. Know the place better, work and spend time with Byron, try to learn more about him. (I really do believe he is the one. Chances are slim he feels the same way, but what we have is much too incredible to not be what ive always been looking for. I can see us married. I can see us starting a family. And instead of being afraid of that, I'm overwhelmed with happiness and a faster heart beat.) I want the old me back. I want adventure, I want to dance again, I want to take one semester for myself, to reconnect and clear my mind. With doing that, I know I'd be ready to start class in the fall with my mind straight. I don't want it to come off as me not caring about school, because I really do. But ive never taken a break and this time I feel its needed. Ill give it more thought to be on the safe side, and ill bring it up with Byron tonight. I want to be as happy as possible, and I know this upcoming new year is the start of it. I feel much better that I was able to write all of this out. Shower time...

Class isn't for another 19 minutes. I miss my sidekick, because it was so easy to type my entries. Now with this new phone, it sucks eggs. Anyways. I'm sitting in the library and I'm so so sleepy. I miss Tina. A lot. I went to bed a bit earlier but only cos I was ktfo'd. Chris is an obnoxious virgin. Geez I don't know how much longer I can stand him -.- Argh...my ojos are closing and I really want to crawl into bed with my boyfriend and sleeeeeep ~! I hope this class starts soon, so it can end soon. I'm sure Greek and Roman wont be any better. Especially since he assigned a dumb essay topic. The search for living quarters in NJ is still active. I just hope he's as excited as I am. This is a really serious commitment...to move and live with someone i've been dating for four months as of today. I hope this is as serious to him as it is to me. Ive never been with, let alone met someone like this...

Well, sadly there isn't much I can write about.
Things are okay as of late.
Could be better of course.

Half the time I'm just being a stupid insecure and jealous female.
The other half the time i'm either sleeping, eating, or watching scrubs.

depressing?

a bit!

new phone is too complicated to type entries from my sk which sucks since i loved writing my entries via hiptop.



fuck fuck fuck fuck

it's my baby :3
born august 9th.
cutest boy pup ever.


<3